Hope vs Reality
This is an Eden rose-one of many from my garden. The bush blooms in April, with a little bonus bloom in August. Although I’ve shot these roses many times, I still find capturing them challenging. Do I focus on the delicate and creamy folds from a full bloom or on a single budding rose with background light and flare? Every angle is full of possibility, but you must act quickly for the roses only last a week.
Does the power of hope knock out reality or can the two co-exist? I have hope that I will stay alive at least though the fall whereas as few months back I did not. The power of hope gives me gratitude to still be alive and cancer free, although I still suffer side effects from the donor transplant.
However, reality keeps me in touch with my intuition. Deep down I know the cancer will return. If it took a grueling treatment, like a donor bone marrow transplant to knock down the cancer for only two years, how can two outpatient infusion sessions keep the cancer at bay much longer?
Of course I can continue with the infusions as long as I respond so well. But being in and out of the hospital every month or every other month even if I am just there for the day seems tiresome. It takes two weeks to recover, although certainly the process is so much easier than any other chemotherapy session.
Have I lost hope then? Friends tell me don’t think negatively, it affects your brain and negative thoughts will make the cancer come back. I understand the power of the brain, but I struggle with believing your brain can create cancer. After all, I was at the peak of my life before I got sick: wonderful and accomplished adult children, a new son-in-law, thriving photography business, loving husband and a strong community of friends and family.
Let’s just say for now I am juggling both hope and reality without cutting the circulation off one or the other.
Believing my current remission is a miracle does take the weight off impending death, yet I keep it at a distance so when the cancer returns I’ll ride that wave with grace and without resentment.
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Here is a link to a song written in 2013 by The Eels, which mostly features Mark Oliver Everett. This is from their album, “Wonderful, Glorious” and it’s called “On the Ropes”